Simple techniques to help your child build friendships on her first days of school

Parents can help your child get better at making friends

You may have a socially adept child who has intuitively picked up great social skills by watching you or their peers.  But there are many kids who need some extra parental support in this area.  Of course, you simply can’t make friends for him.  You can, however, give him the tools he needs to be social and to be a good friend.

1. Take time to observe and understand how your child socializes

Attend a few activities at school (or sports after school) and pay close attention to how your child interacts with others.  Does she behave differently than her “norm” at home?  If so, why?  Your child may have a tough time starting conversations.  She may have anxiety in large groups or a fear of public speaking that keeps her from meaningfully engaging with other children.  Does she prefer to keep to herself and observe instead of joining in?

Depending on what behavior you see, you can then decide where to focus your attention, what skills need building, and how you can contribute. “Trust your instincts, because you know your kid best,” says pediatric behavioral health specialist Kristen Eastman, PsyD.

2. Read (and talk) about friendship

“Children learn so much through the narrative of a great story. Look for books that feature friendships, compassion, and sharing,” says Lee Scott, a member of the Educational Advisory Board for The Goddard School and an education consultant in Okatie, South Carolina. “Talking about the characters, their feelings, and the story’s outcomes will help your children learn how to be a friend. A few of our favorites are A mountain of friends by Kerstin Schoene, Elephant & Piggie – a book collection of meaningful stories about friendship by the famous author Mo Willems, and Wonder by R. J. Palacio – reviewed as “a glorious exploration of the nature of friendship, tenacity, fear, and most importantly, kindness” by the Huffington Post.

>>> Check out some books that encourage empathy.

3. Model positive social behavior

Show your child how to be a good friend and make friends.  The best way is to model the behavior you would like to see.  There are several ways you can accomplish this at home:

• Help your child realize his own strengths.
• Have a sense of humor about yourself and your shortcomings.
• Listen to your child without criticism.
• Be kind, give compliments, wave to a friend, open the door for someone.
• Be understanding of what others are going through by showing empathy.
• Don’t complain. Instead, teach your children to accept what can’t be changed by working hard to change the things that can.

Children really do learn by example, so be mindful of how you interact with others.  Every time you strike up conversations with friends or neighbors, or even the check-out person at the grocery store, your child is aware.  Almost every scenario becomes a learning opportunity, allowing your child to see how you join in, negotiate, and problem-solve.

4. Teach kids how to start a conversation

Most children love to talk about themselves, and asking good questions is often the entry point for building friendships.  Brainstorm with your child what types of questions they might ask to get to know another person.  For example: Do you play any sports?  What do you like to do after school?  What’s your favorite recess game? What’s in your lunch?  How many brothers and sisters do you have?  Who’s your teacher?

To make it easier, parents can have kids practice at the dinner table by playing the role of potential friend and have your child initiate some questions, taking turns being the one asking questions and the one answering.  And last but not least,  have your child practice on someone at school and report back to you how it goes.  Remind them to use questioning when opportunities come up for talking with other kids.

Another way to connect is for the child to ask to join a game.  It’s important for the child to recognize that it’s not always appropriate to ask to join, because it won’t be well-received if it disrupts the flow of play.  Sometimes, in the middle of a game, it’s difficult to include a new player.  So, rather than asking to join right then, the child can assess what others are doing and say, “Hey, can I play the next game?” rather than intruding at the midway point.

6. Foster empathy and sympathetic concern for others

Empathy is a social skill that is difficult to teach and, in fact, difficult to define.  Generally, empathy is our ability to sense others’ emotions and imagine what they may be thinking or feeling. Gwen Dewar, Ph.D., calls empathic responses “standard-issue, grown-up social skills,” yet even adults have trouble with them.  If adults struggle with empathy, how much more difficult must it be for children!  But self-awareness, self-regulation, and the ability to take another’s perspective are all skills children must come to know.

Children learn to empathize, care, and consider other perspectives by participating in activities that help others.  Have young ones start by helping you with simple tasks, such as creating a get-well card for a sick friend, collecting unused toys for children’s hospitals, or making cookies for a neighbor… will teach them the meaning of fostering empathy, perspective-taking, and sympathy in kids.

Besides feeling concern for others, being able to comprehend the circumstances of others can enhance helping or sharing behaviors that are sensitive toward the condition of others.  For example, as a study demonstrated, older children shared more stickers with a peer who looked sad and had fewer toys even by giving up their own. This is different from simply sharing equal numbers of stickers with peers regardless of each one’s personal circumstance.

>>> Check out some easy steps to build empathy and kindness in your children.

7. Offer a variety of opportunities for kids to play and socialize

Host friends over for playdates or lunch.  Find and sign-up your child for group activities such as art, drama or dance.  Joining afterschool activities is also a good way for tweens to meet kids with common interests.  Once your child feels confident with kids in that group, she may want to hang out one-on-one.

Additionally, you can include your child when talking to people out of her normal range of peers.

Take her to visit a neighbor, or bring her along to the local libraries at the weekend.  If your child loves comics, maybe there’s a bookstore or library with a reading group.  The more she is exposed to interacting with all kinds of people, the more she will learn to do the same.

>>> If your family are living in Ho Chi Minh city, here are some of our favorite kid-friendly libraries that offer great books and learning resources: https://blog.e2.com.vn/explore-top-4-libraries-for-families-in-ho-chi-minh-city/